Potheads, part 2
by Mark Shepherd
Summary: Part 2 in the series of mini shorts. After their previous adventure, Flippy and the private were reassigned to patrol a burger joint. What awaits them? Please R/R!


Episode 2 of the ongoing short story trilogy of the two potheads. Please R/R!

After our previous adventure, the private and I were reassigned to patrol near a burger joint near the outskirts of Happy Tree Town.

Although we slacked off and purchased a few burgers at first, we still managed to finish a patrol around the area before settling down in a shed, some fifty yards away from a supply truck.

There we were exhausted and collapsed down for a nap, but I was soon awaken by a strange noise.

(Rustling)

What was that sound? I didn't know what it was, but it was suspicious enough to pull me out of my beauty sleep. I hauled myself up onto the shed's wall to listen more closely.

(Rustling)

There were the sounds again, except louder. I decided it was time to investigate the situation.

Captain Flippy: Private, I just heard some strange sounds right outside our shed. You should go and check it out.

I hauled myself back up to listen for the sounds again, only to hear new sounds, this time coming from the private himself.

Private Mark: (Snore, bumble, grumble, Drooooooool)

Captain Flippy: Private, you have just been chosen for a very important mission. Congratulations, now wake up.

Private Mark: (Snore)

STILL no answer from him, just more incoherent snores and grumbles.

Captain Flippy: Private, I will give you a count of three for you to wake up… One… Two… Pork chop, honey, sizzle, crack… (Drools)

Alright, maybe I dozed off a bit back there. HEY, who wouldn't?! I was worn out from active duty, protecting the girls, and whatever they kept in the burger joint.

Burgers, soda, French fries, what else? Anyways, it was a short doze.

I got up and yawned a good one before returning my attention back to the sleeping beauty.

Captain Flippy: PRIVATE WAKE UP!

STILL no answer, just more grunting and wheezing. It was time to change the tactics around.

Captain Flippy: Oh private… Lunch time…

Now to my surprise, that little dunce jumped up, knocking over the boxes and started to stagger around in circles!

Private Mark: LUNCH! Oh my gosh, its all dark, I'm going blind, CAPTAIN HELP! I CAN'T SEE, AND SOMEONE JUST TOOK ONE OF MY LEGS!

Captain Flippy: Easy son, you're not going blind.

Private Mark: THEN HOW COME I CAN'T SEE?!

Captain Flippy: You can't see because it's still dark, NASA didn't buy the sun an alarm clock yet.

Private Mark: OH MY GOSH! WHAT DAY IS IT?! WHO'S UP FIRST?! WHERE'S MY LEG?!

Waking up the private has always been… an interesting experience.

Captain Flippy: Your leg was just where you left it the other day, and so is the day. Just RELAX!

Private Mark: Oh, ok.

There he just collapsed in a pile, or more like a sinking stone

Captain Flippy: HEY, YOU HAVE WORK TO FINISH. NOW GET OUT OF THAT BOX BEFORE I HAVE TO SCREAM YOU UP!

Private Mark: (Staggers up) NO, don't say that Captain, you know I can't stand criticism in the morning!

He proceeded to haul himself up before looking around, blinking.

Private Mark: Gosh, its still dark. I thought you said it was lunchtime… you lied!

Captain Flippy: I did not lie private, I told you a fib, and there's a huge difference in that.

Private Mark: Like what?

Captain Flippy: A fib is a small lie, told for your own good.

Private Mark: But what's so good about this?

Captain Flippy: Out of all the men in our platoon, you have been chosen to lead on a very special mission with me. Congratulations.

Private Mark: Gosh, thanks Captain. (Yawns)

Captain Flippy: Do not yawn to me when I'm talking to you, its very rude and disrespectful.

Private Mark: But I just woke up…

Captain Flippy: That's no excuse private. There's a time to yawn and there's a time to not yawn.

Private Mark: I drank some gasoline once, it made me sick as a horse.

Captain Flippy: Well what did you expect private? Considering that you are a chipmunk, it doesn't make much sense for you to be as sick as a truck! Have you ever thought of it that way?

Private Mark: Not exactly…

Captain Flippy: Exactly, so there you are, it fits you all together!

There was a moment of silence between us when I heard him yawn again.

Captain Flippy: Did you just yawn to me private?

Private Mark: Nah, I think it was the moon.

Captain Flippy: Good… now what were we discussing? My head screws up a lot at late night…

Private Mark: Gasoline

Captain Flippy: Oh right, you should never drink gasoline, because it will make you sick as a truck. But that's not what we're discussing right now.

Private Mark: Exactly, I think we should go back to bed.

Captain Flippy: You're right private. Good night and sweet dreams… Wait a minute, I just woke you up!

Private Mark: Exactly, I fibbed for my own good, you said that was ok didn't you?

I stuck my heart shaped nose onto his and growled at him

Captain Flippy: Listen up you little dunce, I heard some strange sounds down at the burger joint. Do you have any problem with that?!

Private Mark: Yeah, what's a burger joint?

Captain Flippy: A burger joint, private, is a restaurant that serves fast food like hamburgers and fries. Famous ones include McDonalds, Burger king, and Burger Town.

Private Mark: Gosh, that's three names, I only have two ears…

Captain Flippy: KEEP ON YAMMERING AND ITS ONLY GOING TO BE ONE EAR PRIVATE! Now get out there and investigate!

He just staggered around in circles

Private Mark: Ugh, this old leg of mine… Where do I go again?

Captain Flippy: Over there, just near the burger joint and the supply truck. Oh and your code name for this mission is "Flaming pretzel"

Private Mark: He he he he… that's funny, flaming pretzel…

Captain Flippy: There's nothing funny about that at all private. You do know that we're the only two marines in the world that knows what "flaming pretzel" actually means?

Private Mark: Yeah, and I don't even know what it means.

Captain Flippy: Exactly, that just gives you the idea on how top secret this mission is. Now get out there and investigate!

After much complaining and groaning from the private, he went outside to investigate, all while I was (Giggles) catching up on some sleep. I was awaken half an hour later by the static over the radio.

Private Mark: Captain, this is… uh, I just forgot my name OVER…

Captain Flippy: Its cheeseburger

Private Mark: Ok, uh, Captain, this is flaming cheeseburger, OVER

I just found something here, OVER and UNDER

You should come and check it out, OVER and UNDER and SIDEWAYS

Captain Flippy: Huh? Over and under and sideways?

Oh yes, it was that private Mark alright. He shows up when you least expect him to. But oh yes, I was listening to him.

Captain Flippy: This is Command to Flaming pretzel, REPEAT on what you just said, OVER.

Private Mark: I think I just found something out here, and it looks pretty serious. UNDER and SIDEWAYS

I sighed, got up and stretched as I walked out into the pre-dawn darkness with my rifle to look for that little nincompoop. Chances were he found nothing at all, maybe just a stray cricket at most.

Sure enough, I found him at point, hunched down twenty yards away from the supply truck loading a magazine into his M4A1.

Captain Flippy: Ok, what seems to be the problem here?

Private Mark: Well, I just saw three black barrels.

Captain Flippy: Yes, those are the garbage barrels for the burger joint. The garbage truck comes and collects it every Monday. What's your point?

Private Mark: Well the barrels are empty, so is the supply truck.

Captain Flippy: Hmm, that's strange. How would you explain this private?

Private Mark: Well to be frank, its scattered all over the ground.

Captain Flippy: Hmm, that's even more strange. I never heard of a cook that throws garbage all over the floor. I don't like this.

Private Mark: Yeah, but Petunia and Giggles wouldn't do that, it might just as well be the eight wolves that raided our trash bins the other day.

Captain Flippy: Exactly, considering how much of a neat freak Petunia and Giggles are… Wait a minute, did you just say wolves?

I listened closely again, and sure enough, I heard that noise again, and not one, or two, but the howling of eight wolves. I was actually surprised that the private actually gave me an accurate description of ANY scenario!

Captain Flippy: Well private, are you just going to stand here and watch this outrage?!

Private Mark: Oh, maybe just sit here. How about you?

Captain Flippy: Are you saying that I'm afraid to fight against eight wolves?!

Private Mark: Well, it makes sense does it?

Captain Flippy: I guess you're right…

Private Mark: Yeah, and this old leg of mine, the pain just got worse when I heard the wolves. I think I might be allergic to wolves.

Captain Flippy: You have an allergy to life private, you're scared of your own shadow!

Private Mark: How in good grief did you know that?

Captain Flippy: Just a trip in random land…

Private Mark: Yeah, I just saw my shadow the other day, and it almost gave me a heart attack. It was twelve feet long, I thought it was a dinosaur without a tail!

That private Mark really amazes me sometimes. Just how stupid can he possibly act?

Private Mark: Promise me you won't tell will ya?

Captain Flippy: No one will believe me even if I told everyone. Do you know what else I don't believe in?

Private Mark: The tooth fairy?

Captain Flippy: No

Private Mark: Santa Claus?

Captain Flippy: No

Private Mark: Incubuses?

Captain Flippy: If you shut up, I'll tell you

Private Mark: Well you asked for it

Captain Flippy: Well I'm sorry I even asked for it, but I can't believe that we have such a chicken liver in the Marine Corps. Its DISGRACEFUL!

Private Mark: But you said that you were afraid to fight against eight wolves…

Captain Flippy: I did not say that private. I said eight wolves were a lot of wolves

Private Mark: Yeah but not as many as nine

Captain Flippy: What you're saying, is that you would feel better if I was just as much of a fool as you are?!

Private Mark: Well if you were I would feel better.

Captain Flippy: You know what private? I'm not like that. I'm going to go in and give the wolves a beating they richly deserve!

Private Mark: OH HOW BRAVE!

Captain Flippy: Do you know why? You have inspired me to get away from you, because talking to you just makes me look like a little weenie, and that I will actually do something crazy to get away from you!

Private Mark: Gosh, thanks Captain.

Captain Flippy: And if you have any pride left in that pink body of yours, you are going to follow me in!

Private Mark: In a pig's eye

Captain Flippy: WHAT?!

Private Mark: I mean, OH boy, Oh goody!

Captain Flippy: Exactly. I will go in the first wave, and you go in the second wave. Also, don't forget to yell "FREEZE TURKEY!" as it's very important.

Private Mark: But I thought they were wolves…

Captain Flippy: Are you trying to be funny again?

Private Mark: NO but you said… I mean its… damn I sure get confused a lot.

Captain Flippy: Just follow your orders private, remember this is for our honour and discipline

Private Mark: Yeah, but if the wolves fight back, I doubt that we would stand a cha-

Captain Flippy: Lets go. Break a leg.

Private Mark: I already have a bad leg.

There we were, right behind the burger joint. We picked up our rifles and charged into the bush. HAH, you should have seen the looks on our faces when we were shooting our guns in the air and shouting our battle cries.

Captain Flippy: CHARGE BONZIE!

Private Mark followed suit behind me, shouting "Frozen turkey". I was tempted to give him a lecture, but there was no time at the moment.

We charged right into the pack of wolves, and there they were, growling, drooling and raising their backs. Damn, they sure looked a lot buffer than me and the private put together, and uhhhhhh, good grief, they were coming right at us! I skidded to a stop, turned around and reached for the afterburners, but I slammed right into Private Mark, knocking both of us over.

Captain Flippy: (Getting up) PRIVATE! Time for us to go to plan B!

Private Mark: I didn't know that we had a plan B..

Captain Flippy: WE DO NOW, its called total disarray, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Private Mark: OH MY LEG!

We both threw our rifles onto the ground out of panic and started to run the other way, and the wolves… well we didn't see what was going on because it was so damn dark. We jumped the iron fence, stepped on several mouse traps, and we kept on running for five city blocks inside the blind darkness.

Captain Flippy: PRIVATE, IF WE EVER GET OUT OF THIS, YOU'RE SO DEAD!

Private Mark: Just one question Captain, WHAT ARE WE RUNNING FROM?!

Captain Flippy: HUH? Oh yeah there wasn't anything there.

* * *

A/N: Well, that's probably the longest single I will ever type up. Please R/R!


End file.
